Is it you, or is it me? Why changing others is down to you

Written by Jude Jennison from Leaders by Nature

A former rugby player (let’s call him David) brought his team to work with me and my herd of horses recently. He was worried about his team, concerned they were not assertive enough and therefore potentially missing commercial opportunities.

All morning the team built trust easily and created instant relationships with the horses, but it was clear they were holding back. Everything David had hoped for was happening for them, and it looked effortless.

Then David walked into the field, and Tiffin took off at a gallop.

David is a big man with a big presence, and although Tiffin is an alpha male horse, David’s energy was too much for him. I asked David to stop and take a breath. He’d marched in so fast that tiffin had freaked out.

David stood still and took a breath. As he did, Tiffin slowed down, turned and walked towards him. The two of them spent the rest of the session building a relationship carefully. It took patience and a subtle approach, but Tiffin showed David how willing he was to connect.

Afterwards, one of David’s team said: "You have that impact on everyone you meet the first time." As he said it, everyone took a sharp intake of breath and stepped back.

David was moved almost to tears. He thinks of himself as caring and kind, and he is. But his impact was something else. His team had been shrinking back from him without him ever knowing, and he had thought they lacked confidence and assertiveness. Which is also true because as his impact was too strong for them, they stepped back rather than stepping forward.

What’s not being said?

We all believe we have self-awareness, but we all have blind spots too. And the more senior you become, the fewer people are willing to tell you about yours. But the horses will, without judgement.

I work with a herd of horses to reveal the unconscious, automatic default patterns of nonverbal behaviour. Horses respond to what’s not being said - to your energy, emotions, thoughts, feelings and intentions. No riding is involved, as we engage with the horses on the ground as equals.

David’s nonverbal behaviour was completely different from what he intended. His team had felt it and adapted to it, despite feeling intimidated by him. Horses aren’t as polite. They don’t judge, but you can see your impact by how they respond.

In this case, Tiffin was not responding to a job title or even to David’s good intentions. He responded to the wall of energy in front of him, in the moment.

Your impact is how other people experience you and how they respond. And you can easily focus on fixing the wrong thing if you’re not aware of yours. David had been trying to build his team's confidence when the real problem was that they felt intimidated by him.

Once they’d had the conversation openly, the team realised David wasn’t intimidating and cared about them. And David realised he needed to encourage people to speak up, without pushing his own opinions first.

What’s your impact?

What impact do you have when you walk into a room?

What change do you want to see in your team, and what change can you make in yourself that would change everything around you?

I built Ask Opus on a simple premise. Most of us spend our time trying to change someone else's behaviour. But when we change our own, we change everything around us.

I’ve built teams of “difficult” people and turned them into a willing and highly engaged team, by changing my approach. I can't change you, but when I change the assumptions I make and my thoughts and feelings about you, my behaviour changes, and that influences you in a different way.

Stop trying to change someone, and instead start asking: what do they need from me to engage fully?

I’m launching a new behaviour change app called Ask Opus that helps leaders solve their difficult people issues with micro learning that you can do in 3-5 minutes a day.

If you’d like to be one of the first 50 founding members who are trialling Ask Opus for free, get in touch at jude@leadersbynature.com, and I will tell you more.

About Jude Jennison

Jude Jennison is the Founder of Leaders by Nature and creator of Ask Opus. She helps CEOs and HR leaders change the behaviours that hold teams back under pressure and in uncertainty, by working with a herd of horses. A former IBM leader with a $1 billion budget, she has developed more than 5,000 leaders and written three books.