Rebuilding your confidence after a toxic environment

Written by Karen Robinson from KR 4 HR Coaching & Consultancy

"I'm just not good enough." Is one of the saddest sentences I hear when coaching HR professionals. Not because it's true, but because somewhere along the way, somebody convinced them it was the case.

I've worked with some incredibly capable HR professionals, who have spent years questioning their own judgement, apologising before they've even spoken, second-guessing every decision and believing they have somehow lost their confidence and sense of identity.

The painful reality is that they didn't lose it. It was slowly chipped away by other people.

What does a toxic environment look like?

When people hear the word toxic, they often imagine shouty, sweary people, who bang their fists on the table, public arguments and beratings or other forms of obvious bullying.

But in reality, toxicity is usually much quieter. It can be very subtle, and gradual, like the incessant dripping of a leaky tap, but showing up instead, as behaviours that slowly make you doubt yourself.

It might be:

• Being constantly micromanaged, even though you've repeatedly proven yourself.

• Your ideas being dismissed, only to be praised when someone else suggests them.

• Being left out of important conversations or meetings.

• Colleagues gossiping, backstabbing or undermining your credibility.

• Feeling deliberately ostracised from the team.

• Having every mistake highlighted while your successes go unnoticed.

• Never receiving recognition or appreciation.

• Leaders talking about psychological safety but creating an environment where nobody feels safe to challenge, question or admit mistakes.

• Being criticised for speaking up, then criticised for staying quiet.

None of these behaviours may seem significant in isolation, but together, they slowly erode confidence, motivation and self-belief and eventually, you stop trusting yourself.

Psychological safety isn't a poster on the wall

Many organisations proudly talk about psychological safety. They put it in their values, mention it in meetings, and include it in leadership presentations. But psychological safety isn't something you say, it's something people feel.

Can people in your team or organisation:

• Admit they don't know something without fear?

• Challenge decisions respectfully?

• Make mistakes and learn from them?

• Disagree without damaging their career?

• Ask for help, without it being seen as a weakness?

If the answer is no, then psychological safety doesn't exist, regardless of what the company says. Paying lip service to wellbeing while rewarding fear and silence simply creates confusion, distrust and ultimately toxicity.

It's not always you

One of the biggest breakthroughs people experience during coaching is realising that they weren’t the problem after all. And that's incredibly powerful!

Toxic environments have a way of making good people believe they're failing. When enough people question you, your manager constantly finds fault, and your confidence is repeatedly knocked, it's natural to start believing the narrative of what everyone else is telling you. This is a classic example of the environment being the problem, and not the actual person.

People who undermine others, do so for many reasons. They may feel threatened by someone else's competence, worried about their own position, struggling with insecurity, or have learned unhealthy leadership behaviours themselves. That doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it does help explain it.

Remember - their treatment of you, says far more about them, than it does about you!

How do I get it back?

When confidence disappears, our brain conveniently forgets every success we've ever had. The good news is, regaining confidence isn't about building something new, it’s about uncovering what has been buried. The trick is remembering who you were, before they told you who they thought you were, before that job, before that manager, and before that toxic environment. You didn't suddenly become incapable; those successes and achievements are still yours.

Think about everything you've ever achieved….

• The projects you've delivered.

• The problems you've solved.

• The difficult conversations you've handled.

• The qualifications you've earned.

• The promotions you've achieved.

• The people you've helped.

• The resilience you've shown.

• The positive feedback you've received.

• The compliments from clients or colleagues.

• The goals you've achieved.

• The times you've overcome challenges.

So, when self-doubt creeps in, you have evidence, not opinions, to back your achievements up.

I’m sure there will have been times when you thought that you couldn’t get through something, you had no idea where to start or how on earth you found yourself in that situation.

Yet there you were, and you found a way, you adapted, you learned and you survived. Resilience isn't about not struggling, it's knowing you've overcome challenges before, and trusting yourself to do it again.

One of the biggest misconceptions people have after leaving a toxic workplace is thinking that they must rebuild themselves from scratch. You don't, you're not broken, you’re recovering. There is a fundamental difference.

Unfortunately, just like confidence doesn't disappear overnight, it won't return overnight either. But, it is rebuilt every time you speak up, trust your judgement, remember your achievements, set boundaries, and choose an environment where you're valued. And sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to fake it, until you don’t need to fake it anymore.

Another thing I explain to my clients, is that other people can thrive on emotional reactions. Whether it's confrontation, tears, defensiveness or self-doubt, they gain a sense of control when they can influence how someone else feels, responds or behaves. That doesn't mean every difficult person is intentionally manipulative, but reacting in the way they expect often keeps you trapped in the cycle.

How would it play out if you did this instead?

• Pause before responding.

• Stay calm.

• Stick to facts.

• Keep your boundaries.

• Don't feel you have to justify every decision.

• Protect your energy.

One of the most powerful responses, is refusing to let other people dictate your emotional state.

Confidence also grows in healthy environments, so it’s great practice to spend time with people who encourage you, challenge you positively, celebrate your successes, give honest but constructive feedback, believe in your potential and make you feel safe to be yourself. It’s amazing how different you feel after spending time with those people compared with those who leave you emotionally drained.

Final thoughts

If you've spent months, or even years, in a toxic workplace, be kind to yourself. Question the story you've been telling yourself. Was it really your confidence that disappeared? Or were you simply surrounded by people who made you forget how capable you are?

I believe, confidence isn't something other people give you, and it isn't something toxic people can truly take away. They can make you forget it's there, but it’s a skill that can be relearnt, once you remember who you are, what you've achieved and what you're capable of, that's when everything starts to change for the better.